Supporting children through separation anxiety

Last updated: 08-19-2020

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Supporting children through separation anxiety

Now, throw in the strange year that we have had to the above scenario. Even the most confident child will not have left their parents for weeks at a time whilst the country has been on lockdown, so they won’t have ‘practised’ being away from their carer. We’re going to need to be prepared to support children in the best possible way as they return to our settings.

Use the keyworker relationship as much as possible. A child’s keyworker plays a significant role in helping a child settle. They need to form an attachment early on so that the child can feel more at ease when the parent leaves. Encourage settling in sessions where the child gets to know that key adult, perhaps with the parent for the first couple of times. If you are a keyworker, tell the child all about you so that they know lots about you and begin to form a bond.

Be calm and confident when greeting the child. Show them, and their carer, that everything is ok.

Help parents develop a quick goodbye ritual for when they leave their child. It might be that the child waves at the window or it might be that they leave them at a particular activity. Encourage the  parents to make it the same everyday so that the child knows what to expect.

Pick the time carefully. Try to get parents to drop off at a time that the child is not particularly tired or  hungry – the child needs to be at their best to cope with the challenging  emotions that separation can bring.

Bring the children into a quiet/calm area, if possible, before moving them to more noise and chaos. It’s really hard for a nervous child to settle in a busy/noisy room, especially if they come from a quiet household.

Play music as the child arrives. This gives the child something to focus on and makes the setting seem an inviting, happy place.

Build a special job into their routine. You’re bound to use routine anyway – it gives the children control because they know what Is going to happen in their day. Now, how about adding a special job into that routine that is just for that child when they first arrive? Imagine the boost a child will feel if you say “I’m so glad you’re here, I need your help to feed the fish!”. This makes them feel important, gives them ownership and control and focuses their attention away from leaving their carer.

Use a visual timetable – this allows the child to see what is going to be happening in their day and when they are going home. Giving them this knowledge helps them feel in control and therefore calmer.

Allow comfort toys. They bridge the gap between home and your setting and just give that child the extra bit of support they need. They won’t need it forever.

Remove pressure – don’t expect the child to speak in front of a group or anything like that if they don’t want to. If they are given reasons to feel nervous about coming then this isn’t going to help their separation.

Don’t label the child. If the child hears you describing them as ‘shy’ then they are going to believe it and become what they believe.

Recognise how a child wants to say hello in the morning. I absolutely love those posters that give the child the option of giving a high five, a fist pump, having a hug or just saying hello. You are recognising their personality and respecting what they are comfortable with.

Let the parents know once the child has settled. Just dropping them a message to let them know will reduce their anxiety for the next time they drop off, which will in turn, make the child calmer.

Use circle times. In order for children to deal with strong emotions they need to learn about them. They first need to recognise them in others, before recognising them in themselves and then begin to deal with them. Use your circle times to talk about emotions, then you can gradually begin talking about how we feel when we leave our parents. Highlight the fact that you may feel sad, but that later in the day you feel really happy. You can then remind the child of this next time the parent drops off – yes you feel sad, but you will feel happy soon, just like you did yesterday.

Use empathy. Talk about a time that you felt nervous going somewhere. Show the child that they are not alone in how they feel, but that things do get easier – empathy is an amazing tool that works really well for children.

Many of the things that can make  separation easier for a child need to be  carried out by the parent or carer, and many of the suggestions above are for the carer’s benefit as much as the child. If the carer is anxious, then the child will be  anxious, so we need to support both. Consider giving parents a leaflet or a link to a page on your website that gives them top tips on how best to make separation easier for them and their child. Just showing that you  understand the stress that a child’s anxiety can cause parents will be a great start to building a positive  relationship with them.

It’s been a strange time and going back to the new normal is going to be met with mixed emotions. Show the children a calm, happy environment,  communicate to them what is  happening and show them a  consistent routine.  Hopefully your children will then settle  quickly and you can then focus on the amazing fun and learning you will have together.

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